I wish I was like the bamboo yesterday: humble in my presence, humble in my action. But instead, I was the Incredible Hulk – in one moment, perfectly content and minding my own business until an unexpected provocation turned me into my raging, reactive alter ego. I know better. I try every day to be better. I still failed to behave better. 😕Afterwards, I wondered why I responded to the provocation with such strong emotion. It didn’t take me long to realize the true motivation behind my reaction. It was pride. My arch nemesis; my achilles’ heel; the part of me that refuses to quietly concede to the growth and transformation I’ve been under. I know my pride is hindering my forward movement. I know that there will continue to be tests of humility to conquer my pride and my prayer is that one day, I am spritually, mentally, emotionally and physically mature enough to be 100% in the moment and react without an inkling of pride. Even as I wrote that last sentence, I literally shook my head and exhaled because ME AND PRIDE HAVE BEEN PARTNERS IN CRIME FOR A LONG TIME. Old habits are hard to overcome and my reaction yesterday shows me I still have a lot of work to do.
I recently watched this documentary about people going through the initial and last days of incarceration. Some of the people were just in jail waiting to be bailed out while others were serving sentences. The thought I kept having while absorbing the different stories was how susceptible we are to Life’s whims. A perfectly “normal” day can transform into something entirely different in a second’s time. It takes one moment, one choice, one action, one word and everything can go to hell. I am so grateful that God had His protection over me yesterday even as my immaturity was front and center in my actions. My response could very well have lead to a series of detrimental successive reactions from others. This is the lesson though! Pride DOES come before the fall. When we allow our pride to lead our flesh, we immediately become vulnerable to consequences we would normally try to avoid.
Although I cannot rewind time, I can reconcile my shame and write out how humility should’ve won.
Begin scene from young woman hanging head out right rear window of car: “LET US OVER BITCH!”
Me: stops talking mid-conversation and realizes the head hanging out of the car in front of me is yelling an obscenity at me. Wonders to self “Why are you cursing at me when 1) you’re not driving; 2) I already stopped traffic behind me to let the driver over when said driver waited until the very last minute to cut traffic; 3) the car you’re in is ALREADY IN the lane.” 😑
Second, different head now hanging out left rear window of car: yelling and gesturing.
At this point, my pride joined the party. Had I allowed humility to show up, I would’ve immediately recognized the test presented to me, prayed for the safety of the young women in that car (because folks are out here getting seriously hurt or killed in road rage incidents and those women were way too aggressive for their own good) and continued my phone conversation.
I say this again because I mean it with my heart – I am grateful for God’s Mercy. He loves us, keeps us and forgives us even when we fail to mirror Him in our responses to others. I hope that one day, I stand tall like the Bamboo and bow low every chance I’m given.
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