Selfish + Pride = Overrated

Hey Y’all. I’ve been gone for a few days taking some time to live life to the fullest with my oldest kids. We were given the blessing of taking our very first Disney Cruise (which I highly recommend to all families)! Since the ship left out of Port Canaveral, we got down to Florida two days early so we could visit the Kennedy Space Center (another place I highly recommend you visit if you’re passing through that area)! Being the selective penny-pincher that I am, I refused to purchase onboard Wi-Fi so we had NO DATA/INTERNET for four days. Which actually turned out to be a nice reprieve from our screens but consequently, I was unable to post anything. Now that I’m back home and reflecting on our trip, I had one moment that God has put in my spirit to discuss. 

Overall, the boys and I had a fun vacation. There were a few moments where they tested my patience and I had to pull them to the side for some firm words. Boys will be boys. 😕 Out of the three of them, my middle son really tap danced on my nerves the last two days of our cruise. Admittedly, he gets away with a lot – he performs well academically, keeps us in stitches with his quick, clever humor and he’s our football player – he tends to get the spotlight because of his accomplishments. So from time to time, he acts a little entitled and from my perspective, he can be a tad ungrateful. Anyway, as the cruise came to a close, he just became more antagonistic with his brothers and caused conflict with them that I, of course, had to mediate. By the time we got off the ship and were headed back home, my cup was running over in frustration with him and as I tried to explain to him how his attitude was not respectful of me or his brothers, he got defensive and I lost my cool with him in the car! I let him know there were many opportunities during the last few days where he could’ve chosen to be kinder, more considerate towards his brothers and me. I told him his behavior was disrespectful, inconsiderate and selfish and there was no excusing his reactions to his perceived interpretation of his brothers’ behavior. I admonished him for not being accountable for his actions and treating his brothers and me so poorly. It is extremely important for me to add that I was not only disappointed with my son’s behavior by itself but also, my emotions were exaggerated because I’d learned just a few hours earlier that an extended family member’s child had passed away the day before. I was a jumbled ball of emotions and trying to keep myself together for the 6+ hour ride home.

After my 10 minute rant, things were pretty tense in the car and I was literally driving on “E” down a seemingly endless highway, praying through my frustration that God let us make it to a gas station before we end up on the side of the road. To my relief, I finally saw a sign for a gas station and promptly exited. I pulled up to the pump and proceeded to pay for the gas. I was still trying to diffuse my frustration with my son and wanted to simply fill the tank up so we could be on our way. God had a quick lesson for me though…I watched in disbelief as the pump’s screen told me to “SEE CASHIER”. ARGGHHHH! 😡 I specifically didn’t want to pre-pay for gas in the event I have to walk back into the station to put more money down or get a refund! With my frustration barely contained, I walked into the station to pay. There was a man in front of me and the cashier was finishing his transaction when I rudely said, “Is the pay-at-pump option not working?” She looked at me and responded, “It is.” The man in front of me walked out and this is how my first transaction went down:

Me – “Is there any way I can swipe my card without specifying an amount and you can turn on the pump? I want to fill up without having to come back in here for change.”
Cashier – “No, I can’t turn the pump on. It’s saying the card is declined but not telling me why. You can pay here though.”
Me – “Fine. I really didn’t want to have to put an amount down and come back in. Just do $40.”
Cashier – “Okay.”
*Inserts card. Here’s beep to remove card.*
Me – “Oh, so it works in here but not at the pump.” *Feels triumphant because I asked her in the beginning if the pay-at-pump was working.*
Cashier – “Umm…it was declined.” *Looks at screen to see she is right. Can feel face reddening in embarrassment.*
Me – “That shouldn’t be. Try it again.”
*Inserts card. Hears beep to remove card. Looks at screen this time to see it was declined again.*
Me – “Thanks.” *Does walk of shame out of station back to car.*

At this point, my brain is putting the pieces together that my bank has more than likely frozen my debit card because there are out of state transactions showing up. I immediately dial customer service and the automated service confirms my suspicion. As I wait for a representative to come on the line, my spirit is overcome with the realization that God has me directly in a test of pride vs humility. I spent 10 minutes preaching to my son about the very thing I was doing in that moment. I was being selfish and proud. I inconsiderately took my frustration out on a woman who had nothing to do with what I was experiencing. She was just trying to help and I was rude to her for no reason. I felt shame wash over me and knew that I had two options:

1) Remain in my pride and resolve the issue with my card, pump my gas and pull off without another word to the cashier; or
2) Resolve the issue with my card, take my kids in the station and apologize to the cashier.

As soon as I resolved to apologize to the cashier, I felt better. Within a few seconds of my choice, the bank representative came on the line and took the appropriate steps to reactivate my card. I told my kids to get out of the car and come into the station with me. We walked in and as before, there was a man finishing up his transaction. When the cashier saw me, her face showed her displeasure that I was back (and with kids in tow)! I waited for my turn and this is how my second transaction went down:

Me – “Hi. I just want to come in here and brought my kids too so they can see me apologize to you. I was so rude to you before and I’m so sorry. I was frustrated and took it out on you. I had no right to do that. How I was feeling had nothing to do with you.”
Cashier – *Face does a look of utter surprise then softens into a smile.* “Don’t worry about it.”
Me – “We’re just coming off a cruise and my bank froze my card so I had to call them and it still didn’t work at the pump.”
Cashier – “Oh! That happens all the time around here. Let’s see if it’ll work now. You said $40, right?”
Me – “That’s good to know I’m not the only one! Yes, let’s do $40.”
*Inserts card. Hears beep to remove card. Looks at screen and sees same message as before. Looks at cashier.*
Me – “Sorry! The representative said the card would work now. I’ll go and call them again.”
*Grabs kids to walk out*
Cashier – “WAIT! It went through!” *She smiles at me and I smile back. She hands me the receipt.*
Cashier – “Have a safe drive home!”
Me – “Thank you! God bless!”

Now, y’all don’t know me but I have this theory that God is the consummate humorist. He’ll do things from time to time for a laugh and to confirm His sovereignty with us. Two things happened that let me know I passed His test.

1) My middle son walked up to me as we got back to the car and said, “I’m sorry, Mom.” “For what?” I asked. “You know.” he responded. And I did. He was apologizing for his behavior and I was abundantly grateful that my act of humility and accountability towards how I treated the cashier inspired him to act the same.
2) It took EXACTLY $40 to fill up my car. No additional trips back into the station needed!

I’ve said this before and it’s worth saying now, I know so very little about this world we live in. I do know unequivocally that GOD IS REAL! He keeps His promises and gives us moment after moment to love Him and each other the way He loves us. I’m pretty sure I could’ve driven off without apologizing and been just another rude, disrespectful customer to that cashier. But, I submitted to God that I will strive to mirror His Love in all that I do. I’m human and will fail but there is success in how we fail! Do we give in to our worst or redeem ourselves through the best in us – God’s Love? It cost me nothing to apologize for my actions but the relief I gained, the smile on the cashier’s face was everything in that moment.